There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
