i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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