For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
