All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
