Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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