Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
