My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
