And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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