You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize