News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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