when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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