dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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