when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
