I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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