dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm really busy with my period
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