I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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