My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
