it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize