Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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