Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
