I want you more than these girls want KFC
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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