apparently the secret to your success is patron
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
This toilet bowl is my home.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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