How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
