I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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