I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
