Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
