ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
