hell yes lets make some ravioli
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
