my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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