dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
