this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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