You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
