I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
