My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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