am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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