i jhust puked up my retainher.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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