I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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