everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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