My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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