I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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