After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
