So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
