i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
