got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
