I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
