Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
