He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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