I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Randomize
