hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
