So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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