I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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