So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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