Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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