You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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