the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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