i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
