my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
