Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
