I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
