hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
