Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
